Lifeless

I remember having breakfast
Pouring out a cup of tea
Opening up the paper
And glancing at page three,

But instead of Sumptuous Susan
Or Galvanizing Glenda
They’d featured Hunky Harry
And his twelve inch throbbing member.

I was gobsmacked, shocked and jealous
As I peered down at my crotch
So I wrote to the paper’s editor
That it really was too much

To have to read how Harry’s hung
It wrecked my eggs and bacon
And if he thought that sold papers
He was definitely mistaken.

Letter in hand I walked to town
Glanced in shops along the way
When my eyes near popped their sockets
At the car showroom’s display.

A life size cardboard cut out
With a cloth covered protrusion
Fourteen inches long at least
And that was no illusion.

Well up until that moment
I’d felt every inch a man
Now my worries were enormous
So I hit upon a plan.

I tore up my letter of complaint
And filled with resolution
I went to see a surgeon
Talked of crisis and solution.

It seems I’m under endowed
And it is my firm intention
To ask you to solve my problem
With a silicone extension.

He talked about discomfort
And other side effects
But I insisted on the implant
And I wrote him out a cheque.

Now I’ve sold my car and lost my house
I live out on the street
I’ve got plastic in my bloodstream
Silicone in my feet

And hanging down between my legs
A lifeless mutilation
I’m writing to the editor
I want an explanation.